I Thought it Was About Customer Service - or "Clueless Marketers"

Face it.  We’re all salesmen and saleswomen.  Sometimes it’s selling yourself in a job interview – or selling the boss on a new idea…or the stockholders on opening a new buggy whip division.  Other times, it’s selling to a broad range of customers or clients.

 

A recent experience brought a new word into my sales vocabulary.  Flexibility.   Now, I’d like to think that I’m flexible in dealing with others.  Different clients have different needs.

 

Others, apparently are not as flexible.

Now, Mrs. Riley and only Mrs. Riley...
Courtesy, Palo Vista Productions

I was calling to arrange a visit regarding, of all things, pest control.  The station cat was not doing her job pursuing mice and, sure enough, one or more gnawed through some wiring, disabling 4 channels of a fine Wheatstone console. 

 

Well, an acquaintance recommended a particular company.  It was a national company, franchised, and he liked the local guy. 

 

I looked the company up.  Dialed the number.  The first thing I heard was the “recording” warning, “This call may be monitored or recorded.”  Well.  That’s a great thing to greet a prospect with.  Seriously.  Do you really want to put a prospective customer on the defensive by making him or her wonder why they need to be recorded?

 

The next words were, of course, the now obligatory English/Spanish choice, followed by trying to pin down the reason for my call.  Commercial?  Residential?  Bugs?  Termites?  Rodents?  Sheep?  (OK, not sheep)

 

I made my selection then had to tell them whether I was an existing or new customer.  I went ahead and did that, too.  As you can guess, by now, I’m wondering why I started with these guys.  Oh!  Right.  That acquaintance who told me about the local guy.

 

I finally got to a person but not before receiving another “recording” warning.  I identified myself and said that I’d like to arrange for the local person to come and talk about services and pricing.

 

Amazingly, the lady at the other end listened, paused, and responded, “Sir, that’s not how it works.”

 

I backed away from the phone for a second then heard her say, “This is the national office.  I can give you all the information you need.  Now, how big are your offices?”

 

“I’m sorry,” I replied, “but I really want to sit with someone and talk through what I need.”

“We don’t do that.”

 

I was a little perturbed.  “Well, I kinda do.  I really need to have someone see the facility and the problems.”

 

That was followed by, “Well, then, sir, you have a nice day.”  And that was followed by an abrupt click – not by me; by her.

 

Now, here where the inflexibility cost them the gig:  I get it.  She’s reading prompts on a screen.  Ahhhh.  I’ll call the local office.  I find it – a different number but still toll-free.  You already guessed, didn’t you.  It forwarded to the same number.  I know because I got the same “recording” warning followed by the same choices.  I hung up.

 

Checking the listings, I found one with my area code.  Local!  Perfect.  The touchtones® flew through the phone... only to get me exactly the same number one more time!  That was that.

 

A quick search and I found a really local company.  I called the number – yep, my area code and a nearby exchange.

 

I explained what I wanted.  Then hit her with the fact that I was flying out shortly and was there any chance we could get together before 11AM the next morning.

 

She asked if she could call me back within 10 minutes.  I agreed.  In less time than that she returned, asking if 4:30 the same day would be OK. 

 

I agreed.  The rep showed at 4:25, half hour inspection and review of terms, signed the deal.

 

Now, meanwhile back at the national company, picture a bunch of marketing folks sitting on their backsides, feet up, patting each other on the back about how great their automated system is working at generating customers.  If they only knew…well, if the CEO only knew.

 

I guess there are two lessons here.  The first is flexibility.  Remember that “customer is always right?”  Well, most of the time, the prospective customer is right, too.  At least if you want him/her to become an actual customer.  If you can't bend your M.O. to accommodate clients, you soon will have none. 

 

The second is that trusting the phone tree to be a lead generator is as foolish as flipping off a driver who cut you off on the 405.  The trifecta would be if that company had been more expensive than the local one I found. Well, would you believe, it was.  Sorry national company but, in the words of Joe Pesce as Vincent Gambini in My Cousin Vinny, “I’m done with this guy."

Calling a "Forum" Customer Service

Somewhere, a marketing guy with a little [enough to be dangerous] IT knowledge or a smart IT guy [with zero customer service experience] came up with a terrific idea:  "Let's create a forum for our product.  It's a win-win (hate that reference).  We let users solve their own problems.  We cut down on the calls to our service department, and we get great product feedback."

 

Really?  Really!?  That's what you want?

 

It must be.  Because a lot of companies have embraced the forum as their sole customer service option.  If you want a list, just search for "companies+len+won't+do+business+with" and you'll find a number of them.

 

I recently was called to consult to such a company.  After they said that they were firm in retaining that method of communication, I passed.

"Do you guys ever read the forum?" I asked.

"Sure.  Uh, our webmaster does."

"And what does he tell you?"

Boldly, "We get a weekly report!"

"What does that tell you?"

 

"...how many people joined the forum that week, how many returned and how many posts."

 

"What about content?"

 

With reserve, the reply was, "Uh, Jim, what else?"

 

Jim replies, "Well, when Tim [webmaster] reviews it, if he sees something interesting, he sends it to me."

 

"And you're the marketing guy?" I ask.

 

"Yep."

 

"So, what do you see that's interesting?"

 

Now, proud, Jim speaks loudly.  "Are you kidding?  It's a wealth of information.  The feedback (there's that magic word they love to quote) tells me if we're saying the right things in our ads and to our distributors."

 

"Nice.  What about problems - say two or three people who can't get a solution to a problem so they go bonkers on your product online?"

 

Here's a great retort:  "Our manuals have so much detail...everything's addressed.  And we make them available online."

 

I wanted to say, "Are you nuts?" but managed to utter, "I don't understand.  If everything's answered in the manuals, why maintain the forums?"

 

This just keeps getting better...

 

"Because people are stupid."

 

That was where I knew I needed to distance myself from this group of cetrioli. (Shadrools for you folks in Jersey.)

 

But I stuck around because it was getting to be fun.  "What about extra-site exposure?"

 

"Huh?"

 

"Negatives about your company or a product on other sites.  Ratings on Amazon and other sites?  Ratings on sales sites like Home Depot, Lowe's, Penney's, whatever.  How about complaints.com?"  I rattled off a couple more.  Do you know what's there?  I mean, my experience tells me that those ratings are much more important than anything you say on your site or in a thirty."

 

Silence.

 

"How would you value a 2-star rating on an Amazon sales page versus a negative post on your forum?"

 

A little more silence.  My mind shot to My Cousin Vinny and the line, "I'm done with this guy."  It took many years but I've learned to keep those thoughts to myself.  It's still fun to think it.

 

Full disclosure:  Scope+Focus, Inc. operates Emperor's Valet, a group that does an in-depth research for negatives on a company.  Everything from the mainstream ratings mentioned above to nasties as would appear in someone's blog or facebook post.  It's not a tough thing, luckily I have a guy - everyone needs a guy - who wrote a really neat search algorithm.

 

That said, I was going to do a search and get back to them with it as a freebie but sometimes you just think hell with it, let 'em languish.

 

Now if you guys in Jacksonville are reading this, well, now you know why we didn't hit it off. 

And for the rest, please!  I'm doing my usual Rodney Dangerfield begging.  If you're relying on a forum to take care of your customer service, don't move.  You're standing on a land mine.  Well, maybe you should move.  It's gonna go off either way.

Mobile Apps...What a Great Marketing "Ploy"

Do you remember the story about the guy driving down the road behind a pickup truck?  The guy stops fast as the truck driver jumps out, runs around the back and starts beating on the sides of the truck with a 2x4.  He then replaces the board, jumps back into the truck and drives off.

The guy following watches this happen 4 more times before he gets out of his car and approaches the truck driver, who’s madly beating on the truck.

“I gotta ask,” the car’s driver asks, “what the heck are you doing?”

The trucker mops his brow and responds, “Hey, I’m in a hurry.  I got a one ton truck.   I’m hauling 2 tons of birds.  I gotta keep half of ‘em flyin’ all the time.”

Reminds me of what marketers rush into when they decide they need a mobile app.

I’ve done a bunch of them in the past few months.  People and products that have to have a mobile presence.

…and I get dirty looks (or the deer in the headlights) when I ask, what’s the purpose?

“The purpose?  Harrumph, harrumph,” like Mel Brooks in Blazing Saddles.  “Uh?  We gotta be there.”

“But what are people going to get?  I mean, what’s the user experience?” I ask, jumping back to the basic of basics.

“Well.  Uh.  How ‘bout a coupon?”

“For what?”

“Lemme think…how about a free eye exam?”

“OK.  Have you run numbers for that?”

“No.  I just thought of it.  But we gotta have an app.”

It goes on like that – needing an app but not thinking it through.  Mobile apps have to offer some kind of reward.  Ideally, it’s an instantaneous reward.  Example:  news apps – you get news you’ve signed up for immediately.  Another might be coupons but only if you can deliver your coupon when the receiver is in the mood and capable of using it.  And, c’mon – an entire app for a single coupon?  Unless it’s for 90% off on a car, it’s not going to be worth your while.

I’ve seen some good ones – golf score tracker, like a clicker for your phone.  Of course, I have to prompt one of my golfing friends to actually click it with each shot.  Mortgage calculator.  Great one.  Plug in a rate to get monthly payments.  There are a bunch.

And the other side -  well, you can’t swing a dead…uh…without hitting one.  Do a Google search on “useless mobile apps.”  Or try OpenSpot on your Android.  You’ll get the idea.  And, remember, when you see one, a bunch of folks sat around a table and said, “Yeah.  Great.  Let’s go with it.”

Finally, don’t forget – once you create the app, you have to market it, it being the app!  You have to tell people about it and get them to download it.  When you’re thinking that part through, think once again about what you’re putting your prospects through.  If they download a useless app – or worse, one that monkeys with their system – you’ve done more harm to your brand than you have good.  From a tech standpoint, they have to work - and continue working.  When you rush past QA, you leave yourself open for a lot of negatives.  Remember, people can rate the app…and they do.  Oh yeah, you bet they do.  Check a few out.  Those comments could be about your product because of your app.

So the next time you’re thinking about a calculator that lets someone determine the length of a monster sub sandwich for your party, or calculates the compatibility of two cats, think again.  Save yourself some grief and save the brand from some damage.

If the guy with the truck would have thought his trip through, he wouldn’t have taken off with the two tons of birds and the one ton would have made it just fine, on time, no additional cost.

Oh, on the optometrist, finally, he says, “I got it.  The eye exam.  Make it only valid ‘while you wait.’”

Writers in the Sky

Huh?  Isn’t it Riders? 

Not this time.  I’m writing…and I’m in the sky.  Now, this is no big deal given the technology available.  But here’s what is amazing:  It’s a Southwest flight.  You know – those “line up coz we ain’t got seat assignments/peanuts here, we gotcher peanuts” guys that ferry 737s around.

In the past month, I’ve been on two other airlines, neither offering WiFi service.  Yet here I am on this little plane checking out the email and even talking to one of my servers…for five bucks.

Is it cable modem download speed?  Nope?  But it’s fast enough.  At least it keeps up with my typing.

I guess what’s important here is that in the tradition of Herb Kelleher, Southwest gets it.  Another carrier I travel on has embarked on a crusade to remove, cover, or change the plug of every outlet in the terminal.  Wish I’da bought stock in Graybar or whatever company makes outlet caps.  I’d be super rich from all the covered outlets.  Southwest?  I sat at the gate and plugged in as did about 20 other people.  That’s a perk on a Friday night when you need to get a last minute order out – or in.

Did I mention that I checked a bag (49.5 pounds) and carried one on, along with a set of wheels.  Didn’t pay a penny more.

And we left on time.  Southwest has a habit of that.  Somehow, they’re able to turn the plane around faster than the other guys, even the guys with the little RJ’s.  Go figure.  Let me add that there’s a blizzard going on in Chicago, our destination.  But they managed to get this thing in the air as scheduled and we’re due in on time.  I’ll let you know (if I don’t get this posted before we land).

I said earlier that Southwest “gets it.”  By that, I mean they get it as to what’s really important to travelers.  Then add to that the friendliness.  I won’t go into detail.  If you haven’t flown Southwest, you won’t understand.  What you will understand, though, is the attitude of their marketing.  Call Southwest for a reservation and you’ll hear, “You may be able to find a lower fare by booking online…”  Call one of the competition and you hear the same thing, but worded negatively, “Telephone reservations are subject to additional charges compared to online booking.”  Yes. Both say the same thing.  So which camp has the smart people working for it?

Back to the WiFi.  When you open it up, you can see inflight deals.  This isn’t an onslaught of popups.  It’s a carefully filtered list of offers and coupons, many of which are from establishments in the destination city.  Discount at a steak house and similar offers…and they close the circle – the redemption is/can be through your mobile device.  Yeah.  You do the WiFi, computer or phone, and then show your phone at the establishment and you’re saving money.  Yes, it’s a bolt-on from a third party provider.  But, the doggoned thing works – for ME.

I have to say, I’m a pretty cynical.  Not much impresses me.  Certainly, very little in the tech world does.  But this works.  Sure, it’s good for them.  But it’s good for me, too.  You get the feeling that the marketing folks actually test this stuff before they put it out there.  And one of the questions they ask is, “Is this helping YOU?”

I don’t see that with other carriers.  In fact, the opposite is true.  I’m sure they’d love it if we were all exactly the same height and weight, traveled with the same bags, had the same needs and, well, you get it.  One of them has napkins that say, “Planes change.  People don’t.  Our values are your values.”  Pure hype.  With 200 people on board, that’s 200 sets of values and they can’t all be the same.  The Southwest guys understand the differences.  They understand wants and needs.  Why, you’d think they were consumers, themselves.

So, Southwest, thanks!  For paying attention.  For letting me get some real work done on this trip.  Oh.  Gotta go.  The flight attendant just gave me two bags of honey roasted peanuts.  Time to stop writing and start eating.  After all, I have my priorities.